I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
