I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
