What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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