he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
