I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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