Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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