My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
