When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
