i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
