Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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