Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
