Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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