How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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