get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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