At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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