Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
