I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
