apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize