I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
