tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
