The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm at about main and main street
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Randomize
