i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
