Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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