his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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