i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize