and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Randomize
