Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
