my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize