Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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