I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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