I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
