Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
