He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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