i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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