i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
