textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
