We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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