I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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