Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
