If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize