my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
