I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Pants are for mortals
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