I'm gonna have a badass scar
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
