i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
