you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
