I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
