I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
