Betty ford says i'm here all night
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
