Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
