No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
