the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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