I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
