I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
