I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
