I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
