So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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