Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Randomize
