Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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