So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
