someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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