Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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